my should not
but I just can't help myself
My missing puzzle piece
and yet
not at all
You are carved from an entirely different jigsaw
You and I
could never fit!
Not without reshaping ourselves
and everyone around us
not without cutting out
painfully
parts
of our very own souls
Yet...
why does that knife still glint in your eye
awakening a darkling
nearly dead
place within me
which, craves stimulation
life?
Do I really
so badly
need to bleed?
Even...
when I know the pain caused
would be so devastatingly unbearable
A festering wound
which, could never heal
a sickness
which, would erode my soul
A deep scar
which, would disfigure
both myself and my loved ones
for life
No!
You are merely an innocent
yet selfish
"what could have been" love
A handsome bound book
which, beckons for me to open
to peruse its enchanting narrative
to purvey its unread alluring plot
to experience
but only within my mind
An illusion
an unobtainable ideal
a prayer for an antidote to a broken heart
A happily ever
never
a never
ever
ever!
An "if only I knew then, what I know now"
A secret of the heart
which belongs to only me
A guilty pleasure that makes my day
even when I promise myself
that I will
and must ignore
By you
I have even been marginalised and mislead
lead into a melancholic state of morose
of near mind-altering madness
Time
and time again
I have ridden your waves
to my own destruction
I have been swept up in your sultry surf
allowing your patter
to wash away my pain
and the sense of being
so overwhelmingly
alone!
I have felt your empty words fill me
the swell
as your tide
drew all its fickle
frivolous
affection
towards my shores
But...
for those blissful moments
your waves of words
soothed
my parched
and fragile
needful sands
I felt loved
wanted
needed
craved
adored!
As then
you made me your moon
Your life giver
your saviour
your sanctuary
I felt intrinsically the sheer pull between us
Ah...
but alas
it is all in my head
and perhaps my heart
it also plays its part
No!
You are
just a beautiful daydream
a mirage to my unquenchable thirst
a figment of my fertile imagination
my Loki
my tormentor
MY...
bittersweet!
My internal deafening scream
which can never
be heard!
© Debbie Razey 2015
